Important Instructions for Appreciative Gourmets

Today’s conversations about my girlfriend—Little Debbie—brought to mind a memory of what I believe is the proper way to consume a Swiss Cake Roll. For the record, it is not the egg roll of snack foods. The Swiss Cake Roll is to be experienced. In order to appreciate it to the fullest degree of sweet goodness… it must be dismantled.

This might not be a “how to” course for everyone. It is probably more of a refresher. For some it will simply put to prose what they accomplish daily (even bi- or tri-daily?).

There is some debate among the pros about what should be Step One. Perhaps some healthy discussion will yield a strong opinion one way or the other.

Step One. Eat the chocolate coating off of the outside of the roll. This must be done without damaging the chocolate cake beneath the coating. Should the cake be damaged, eat that one and start over with Roll #2. More points are given relative to how much chocolate you can get to come off in a single sheet.

Step One. Find the “seam” at the bottom of the roll. This is where a thick caulking of chocolate holds the whole she-bang together. Uncaulking the seam seems to be where some folks start and then move on the thinner chocolate sheet removal (see Step One).

Step Two. Unroll the roll. Should this result in damage to the cake, eat the damaged roll and begin again with Roll #2.

Step Three. Cremesumption. Eat the filling without doing damage to the cake, of course. Should damage occur—well, you oughta know the process by now.

Step Four. Return what remains to roll shape avoiding damage to the delicacy. Keep in mind what you should do if damage occurs. Eat the re-rolled roll.

Step Five. Repeat steps One, One, Two, Three and Four with Roll #2.

Step Six. What do I mean Step Six? Haven’t I already eaten both cakes in the package? Well, that is true, but there is still work to be done. There is the matter of scraping clean that white cardboard square found below your rolls. There. You will find chocolate coating, cake and perhaps stray filling that have anchored your Swiss Cake Rolls in the packaging. Hasting unwrapping can also result in a coating stick to the cellophane. All of this can be extricated with a few quick scrapes across the bottom teeth.

Lunchroom attendees take heed! The white square from beneath Swiss Cake Rolls is almost as valuable a piece of currency as the top off a chocolate Snack Pack. Some kid will always “trade ya” for it.

P.S. I rolled the dice taking a great risk the littledebbie.com was the right URL. Whew!